Asra Yousuf

One of my favorite poems of all time- ‘A Psalm of Life’ by H.W. Longfellow preaches one to

“Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,— act in the living Present!”.

My approach to life has been along similar lines- its who you are in the present that defines you and who you aspire to be that matters- the past is long gone and should be disregarded.

However, off late I have been reconsidering if it is wise to disregard the past complelety. So much of who we are as a person is a factor of our past experiences, and decisions. With our present being so intricately linked with our past, is our past ever really dead as Longfellow believed?

Understanding a person- his perspectives, his approach, his ideas, is a task that requires empathy. But at times empathy is simply not enough. A spendthrift personality might be a result of an upbringing where money was never a constraint. Insecurity and trust issues towards a partner might be attributed to past experiences of betrayal that might have left a permanent scar. An inability to communicate openly might be tied to an upbringing that lacked a space to freely express oneself. In instances such as these, an attempt at exercising empathy while lacking the proper context can be frustrating and meaningless.

At the same time, discussions about the past often lead to difficult conversations- conversations that are convenient to avoid. It is the happy, sad, tough, and challenging moments that we have lived through that make us the person we are today. But opening these moments up to another person, along with expressing the emotions associated with them, is an act of extreme vulnerability. It requires a partnership between both the giver and the receiver, to create a safe space to share and accept.

Exploring our own closet of demons, fears and insecurities requires us to build self-awareness of the experiences that helped shape them. Questioning why you feel or react a certain way is a good start to getting to know the nuances of your personality. For instance, did the situation really call for an angry outburst? Were you justified in mistrusting another person with no concrete evidence?

The inward journey then gives way to the outward journey- the process of letting others in so as to help them understand you better. At this point, a million fears might cross our mind. Will I be accepted and understood? Will I be perceived in a different light? Acknowledge these fears and muster the courage to take a leap of faith. Vulnerability requires trust. Trust requires vulnerability. And in this deadlock, you have got to start somewhere. 

The listener plays a critical role in such conversations. The manner in which we receive someone’s deepest and darkest emotions and experiences lays the foundation to the relationships we build going forward. Exercising empathy and acceptance can go a long way in cementing this foundation. 

So I encourage you to have this dance- of sharing and receiving. The past has the answers to the “why” behind the “who” we are- explore it, accept it and share it. Let yourselves bare to the people that matter to you, and trust them to accept you as you are- strong yet broken.