Asra Yousuf

When a friend first suggested the idea of talking to a therapist, I was quick to dismiss it. My existential issues didn’t seem to warrant talking to a licensed professional. I remember having responded, “I have friends that I can talk to anytime, why should I go talk to a stranger?!”. “But your friends are not qualified to help you!”, came the rebuttal. I weighed in the suggestion and decided to give it a try.

And hence began a journey that continues on. I come from a South Asian culture and the idea of talking about your problems with a qualified professional is taboo. We are not known for actively prioritizing our mental health. Hence, normalizing the practice has in itself been a journey.

I acknowledge, that for the majority of the world, seeking therapy is a privilege. But if you don’t belong to that majority and have been debating over if you should talk to someone, then hear me out. Through multiple sessions of ramblings and venting, I have come to dispel the myths I had, reset my expectations and learnt to let go. Here are some of my learnings so that you don’t have to re-learn them.

Your friends cannot be pseudo-therapists

Let me first address my initial reservations about therapy. I feel blessed to have a set of friends that I can bank upon and can reach out to whenever needed. I have laughed with them, and I have cried with them. They know me inside out. So needless to say, whenever I feel stuck in life, they are the first to get a call.

But over time, I have realized that some issues are more complex than they may appear. They can’t be patched with a band-aid solution but might require you to go into the darker corners of your life and ask tough questions. In such scenarios, your friends aren’t trained to help you down this path. They aren’t trained to ask you the right questions or steer you towards finding your own answers.

Depression is not a pre-requisite to start therapy

“Therapy” as a word, has a negative connotation for some people. It gives the impression that the person seeking it is going through a mental health crisis and cannot handle their life. But you don’t have to be in a crisis to seek therapy. I repeat. You don’t have to be in a crisis to seek therapy.

On the contrary, therapy helps when you don’t have a pressing issue to solve. When you give yourself the time to reflect on your conversations and slowly piece together the nuances in your life experiences.

At times, it is best to go into therapy without any expectations. Start with just using it as a sounding board to voice everything you might be going through. We often live in our heads so much that the simple act of simply vocalizing our thoughts and emotions can make us feel lighter and help us arrive at a solution with a clear mind.

You will not find all the answers

Unlike most disciplines of medicine, there is no definite diagnosis or prescription when it comes to therapy. And there is no guarantee that you will find the answers you are looking for. For all you know, you might end up unearthing different issues altogether. But through the process, you will come to understand the person you are- why you act the way you act, or feel the way the you do.

For instance, I have always struggled with finding purpose through a career. It is a struggle I have had for years. So when I started therapy to talk about this very struggle, it led me down paths of life that I wasn’t expecting it to. It helped me build self-awareness of certain personality traits that I was clueless about.

Have I found the solution to my original reason for starting therapy? Not yet. But I have taken steps to understand where it stems from and what are some small steps I can take towards figuring things out. You might not find the answers to the exact problems you have in mind. But you might find yourself more equipped in dealing with the problems and gradually arriving at your own solutions.

“We nudge them to arrive there on their own, because the most powerful truths—the ones people take the most seriously—are those they come to, little by little, on their own.”

“Maybe You Should Talk to Someone”, Lori Gottlieb

Nothing is off-limits

Have you ever caught yourself tempering your conversation based on who you are talking to? Excluding certain bits in the fear of being judged? I definitely have. We are all “unreliable narrators”- we narrate with the intention of carving a certain perspective of us in our listener’s mind.

There are many ways to tell a story, and if I’ve learned anything as a therapist, it’s that most people are what therapists call “unreliable narrators.” That’s not to say that they purposely mislead. It’s more that every story has multiple threads, and they tend to leave out the strands that don’t jibe with their perspectives.

“Maybe You Should Talk to Someone”, Lori Gottlieb

Therapy offers a space of no judgments where you can be completely vulnerable Given that the conversation is bound by secrecy, you can share your most embarrassing emotions and not fear coming across as crazy.

It is work

What makes therapy challenging is that it requires people to see themselves in ways they normally choose not to. A therapist will hold up the mirror in the most compassionate way possible, but it’s up to the patient to take a good look at that reflection, to stare back at it and say, “Oh, isn’t that interesting! Now what?” instead of turning away.

“Maybe You Should Talk to Someone”, Lori Gottlieb

If only there was a magic pill to resolve all your trauma, insecurities and other issues. Sadly, there isn’t. Therapy is work – not only from the therapist’s end but from the client’s end as well. If you aren’t willing to be vulnerable, receive feedback and work on yourself, the entire exercise is pointless.

It will take time

In times like these, a therapist is just a call away and you might find yourself moving from one to another, feeling as if you aren’t getting anywhere. But it requires time and a number of session before you start seeing any results. Like any other relationship, this one too takes a lot of time and intention to build. We are all complex beings and setting up the context of our issues is no mean feat. For the first few sessions, you might simply feel as if you are rambling on. But push through, and over the course of time, you yourself will be able to connect emotions and experiences like a jigsaw puzzle and slowly but surely things will make sense. With time, your therapist will be able to piece together your personality – even the ones you chose to leave out.

If you are contemplating talking to a therapist, give it a go and hopefully you’ll be surprised by how interesting and insightful the experience can be. Set aside the reservations you might have, approach it with an open mind and remember to put in the work over time!