Asra Yousuf

Smile, and say Hello!

As a kid, I was always told not to talk to strangers. Looking back, I know the advice came from a good place. The world is filled with all kinds of people and it is best not to come in the path of the wrong ones at the wrong time. Safety first!

But over time, you end up carrying forward childhood habits into adulthood without stopping to question them. So when I moved to the US, I found it oddly strange when the cashier at the grocery store would enquire about my day or when my Uber driver picking me at the airport was curious about where I was traveling from. Why do they care? Do they have an ulterior motive?

It was only over time that I came to appreciate the value of small talk and began to notice the little bouts of joy it added to my day. The more I indulged in it, the more curious I got. I picked up random pieces of information. I made friends.

“Weak ties”, as they are referred to in sociology, are connections you have with casual acquaintances or even complete strangers. These are the people that you encounter once in a while, who’s phone number you wouldn’t know, but exchange a smile or a quick chat every time you see them. These are the people on the periphery of your life. They can be your everyday barista, or your hairdresser, or even someone on the bus.

The value of relationships and deep connections is no secret. But, is there any tangible benefit that can be derived from these so-called “tiny interactions”? Yes, indeed. While they might not end up being your 3am deep conversations, studies have shown that these interactions can liven up your day. They can help you to broaden your knowledge. It is likely that your close social circle consumes similar content as you. When interacting with people outside this circle, you open yourself to different suggestions and pieces of information you wouldn’t have otherwise encountered.

Most people have these casual interactions unintentionally. But for some, it is a lot more challenging to approach a stranger and start a conversation. Part of the fear comes from something called the “liking gap”, which means that people assume that others don’t like them, while the actual opinion that others hold might vary greatly. So how do we overcome this liking gap and have more random conversations with strangers?

Take your AirPods off. AirPods or any headphones are synonymous to putting a Do Not Disturb sign on your head. While I do enjoy listening to music or to a podcast on my walks, putting away my AirPods, at times, opens the possibility of me noticing the people around me and being more approachable.

Order at the counter. In the age of app pick up, food delivery apps, and tab-based restaurant ordering options, you can have a whole dining experience without any interactions. You open the door and your food is there. You order ahead through the app and your coffee is waiting for you when you walk in. While they do save you time, it does eliminate the human element. Part of what makes shopping at Trader Joe’s an enjoyable experience is its friendly cashiers. Despite being incredibly efficient, they somehow manage to personalize your checkout experience. One cashier once offered to put the chocolate coated almonds on the top while bagging so that I can snack on them, on my way back (How did he know!!!). It’s the small things that matter!

Make eye contact. And smile. Something as simple as that can work wonders

Ask a question. Or Compliment. Last week, a chef at the cafeteria at work made some of the most delicious muffins I’ve ever had. It took me a whole half hour to muster the courage to compliment her. And when I finally did, she offered to mail me the recipe. As I wrote my email on a piece of paper, she told me about the minor adjustments she had done on the base recipe, and gave me some baking tips. I tried these muffins last weekend, and they turned out great. Had I not approached her, I wouldn’t have added this healthy muffin recipe to my arsenal.

Offer help. At times, random acts of kindness is all you need to start an effortless conversation. See someone struggling with some bags? Offer help. See someone unable to figure out some piece of technology in a public space? Jump in to help them out.

To simplify it further, most tiny interactions can be viewed in three stages:

Stage 1: It all starts with breaking the ice and approaching a stranger. Always go into a conversation with the attitude that rejections are fine and for every great conversation that you might have, there will be many “meh” one. Simply approach with curiosity. Your conversation can start with a comment about the weather or about the shared situation that you are in. If you are waiting in line for something, you can talk about that something. Or you can compliment them on something (but always be genuine).

Stage 2: Next comes maintaining the conversation once you’ve established that you are encroaching. Once again, let curiosity lead the way. Ask questions. Be a good listener. Try to know the other person. But never intrude. Try to make the other person feel safe, through body language and the topic of the conversation.

Stage 3: And finally, we need to end these conversations. This is the most tricky bit of a tiny interaction. Some have a natural ending, for instance, when you arrive at your stop or your turn in the queue comes up. But for some interactions, you have to be intentional about ending it. Don’t stretch a conversation beyond a point where either person feels disinterested.

In conclusion, don’t approach these tiny interactions with a reward or benefit in mind. Just approach it with the curiosity of getting to know someone for 5-10 min. And open yourself to possibilities.

References:

Asra Yousuf

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