Asra Yousuf

On Cultivating Adult Friendships

I am a strong believer in the power of friendships. I enjoy my alone time but nothing parallels an energizing and engaging conversation with a friend. Connections are what we as humans thrive on. Imagine yourself as the richest person in the world, but not having a single friend to turn to. Are you happy in this scenario? Most likely not. Relationships are well-researched to be the single strong source of happiness and contentment, and platonic ones are just as important as familial and romantic relationships.

So how do we go about building genuine connections in life? Until the age of 25, it is fairly easy. Our society and education system is structured in a way that makes it easy to meet like minded individuals with similar interests, and spend extended amounts of time with them. Remember those dorm hangouts in college that stretched into the night? Or that social/ hobby club in school where you met your best friend?

But once we get out of college and enter the workforce, meeting new people becomes increasingly difficult. And the fact that your colleagues are now behind a screen does not help either.

One might say- why is there even the need to make new friends? Don’t I have enough from school and college to last me a lifetime?! That’s a fair question given that we can only do justice to a handful of relationships at a time. But hear me out- we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. They influence our consumption habit, our lifestyle choices and the opinions we hold. As we go through life, each individual grows in different ways and finding your tribe at every juncture is important.

Here is one way you can look at it- your core inner circle are your 3am friends- friends you wouldn’t hesitate calling late into the night. They are most likely the ones you made in college or have had the chance to spend a lot of time with. These friendships are effortless beyond a point. And then you have your outer circle of friendships- the connections you make based on who you are at that point and what your needs are.

Another way of looking at it, is as a virtue as explored by Aristotle:

The observation that friendship is bound up with virtue was first explored by Aristotle. He identified three distinct types of friendship: friendships of utility (in modern terms, the neighbour who can pick up your kids from school or the woman in your yoga class who you can have coffee with afterwards), friendships of pleasure (those pals who will accompany you on a cheese and wine rampage) and lastly, friendships of virtue, soulmate friends, the ones who will sit with you for hours in A&E and still be making you laugh at the end of it.

“‘Some weeks I only speak to the postman’: how to escape learned loneliness – and soar socially”. Anita Chaudhari. The Guardian

Over the last couple of years, as we have transitioned from in-person work, to remote and now to a state of confused hybrid, serendipitous connections at work can no longer be relied on. If you want to meet interesting people, you need to be intentional about it.

And given that such connections don’t happen whilst sitting at home, lets talk about how does one even cultivate adult friendships intentionally. This in itself is a two part process- one of meeting and connecting with new people, and then of growing and sustaining that connection.

Part 1: How do you meet potential friends?

In this stage, focus on quantity over quality. Expose yourself to as many interactions as you can to increase the probability of meeting someone you connect with. This stage is a lot like dating, but less of an emotional rollercoaster.

One of the best ways to meet and connect with someone is over a shared interest or hobby. For instance, if you play a sport, or go to a class, you already have a conversation starter about your shared interest. Think about how you enjoy spending your time, and do that more. And in this case, reading alone on your couch does not count.

The apps can be another way to meet new people but be sure to take this online connections offline. Bumble BFF, Lunchclub, interest-based discord and facebook groups, meetup.com are some examples. Online communities are a great way to meet new people. “City girls who walk” is a group of women in SF and New York, who meet every Saturday to go on a walk in some part of the city. Find something similar in your area, and if nothing exists then create one. Browse on meetup.com for events and groups around you. Explore third spaces in your city like community centers, libraries, recreation centers.

Part 2: Growing new friendships

So you met an amazing person and would love to get to know them more without seeming imposing- what do you do? In this part of the process, focus on quality over quantity. Don’t try to juggle too many new connections. Pick a few that you would like to grow, and invest your time and energy in them.

The simplest way of growing friendship is hitting them up for a coffee or walk. But even that too can feel like a lot of effort at times. If you have a shared interest, figure out opportunities where you can pursue the interest together- example, getting a gym membership together, or going for tennis on a weekly/ biweekly basis.

Connect with them on the social network they are most active on. I am not the biggest proponent of social media, but in this case it helps if either person is active on a platform. It gives you a sneak peek into their occasional life updates and gives the opportunity to drop in a comment and maintain a thread of communication when life gets busy.

Ask for a small help when you can. This might seem like a weird suggestion but strong relationships are formed on vulnerability, trust, and the feeling that you are needed. Asking for help in some small way gives the person a temporary sense of purpose, in the friendship.

Lastly as you go about finding your tribe, don’t be afraid to let go. Not everyone will make it to next stage of your life. It might not be ideal and it may even hurt, but such is the nature of life. I hope you put yourself out there and find the right people who offer you a safe space to grow and develop, while making it fun along the way.

References

Asra Yousuf

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